


A suicide kills two people, that's what it's for

by TheKingOfHellLovesYou



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Drugs, Hallucinations, Help, Hurt Sherlock, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mind Palace, Protective John, Sad Sherlock, Sherlock Being Sherlock, Suicidal Sherlock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-03
Updated: 2018-04-03
Packaged: 2019-04-18 03:22:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14203956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheKingOfHellLovesYou/pseuds/TheKingOfHellLovesYou
Summary: "Sometimes John's friendship and love is enough to calm me down ... but sometimes it isn't" - SHSherlock's mind is raging again. He took some drugs in hope to calm his mind but nothing seems to help. He starts to shoot at things with his gun and that's when John finaly comes back home. Can John help Sherlock escape his demons or will Holmes find his own way out?





	A suicide kills two people, that's what it's for

**Author's Note:**

> Helo! Ok, so again English is not my first nor my second lanuage so be patient with me. :) I hope you like it.  
> This is set after Marys death (and she and John did not get Rose).  
> Maybe I will write a second part, don't know yet :P  
> Pls leave a kudo and a comment, I would love to know what you think :) Until next time :D

“Sherlock, put down the gun,” John tried to speak as softly and calmly as he possibly could, slowly stepping towards the high detective. Sherlock’s mind was running again, screaming, collapsing in on itself. It felt as if he was trapped in a small room and the walls started to close in on him. Every move, every noise – everything felt so damn loud! The gun in his hand went off again, this time shooting at the window. The glass broke in a loud manner, shattering in to thousand pieces. Sherlock could hear Mrs Hudson whimper in fear and Watson telling her to go downstairs. John, that’s right … he was gone when his mind started to scratch itself raw. Sherlock tried to repress his mind, occupy it with a case, but the case was too easy, the answer so obvious, so obvious! It was the maid, it’s always the bloody maid how come Scotland Yard can never figure that out!

  
“Sherlock! Listen to me! Put the gun away! …What did you take?” That’s right … He used again … Damn it, he was doing so well. John was so proud of him for being clean. But his drug dealer came by just a few minutes (could have been hours for what Sherlock knows) after John had left. And his mind was already a huge thunder storm. He just couldn’t resist. John was so close now. Just a few feet away from him. Sherlock turned away pressing his hands against his head. It felt as if his head was going to explode … He could feel the cold iron of the gun in his hand press against his forehead. He endured all kinds of torture; physical in Serbia and mental his whole life, but this, this pain that he felt right now was the worst. He could not escape it, retreat in to his mind palace and block out the world that caused him the pain. This time his mind was the enemy, the pain maker. He wished to stop it all. To stop the pain of his mind collapsing in on itself again and again. He pointed the gun at John looking at him with cold eyes.

  
“Sherlock … Sherlock, calm down, let’s talk about his. This conversation does not require a firearm. Come on give me the gu-“

  
“Step away from me! Do it now John or I will shoot you!” Sherlock’s hand was shaking; his whole body was in fact. He could feel his legs becoming weak and soon enough he started to see stuff that should not be there. “Ow great the drug finally started to kick in” Sherlock said to himself. John looked at Sherlock with his warm eyes and stepped a step closer.

  
“No, Sherlock, you won’t shoot me. Not you …” John made another step towards Sherlock.

  
“He’s right… you could never shoot him … Not John, not your beloved friend …” Sherlock looked at the man behind John, eyes wide open. “Don’t you dare get close to him!” Sherlock screamed and fired a shot at Moriarty, the bullet flying just pass John’s head.

  
“Christ Sherlock!” John screamed and dug at the shoot. “There is no one! It’s just you and me! Stop this, stop this now!” John was scared now, Sherlock could tell. His voice changed, his muscles tightened … he took his battle pose. He was ready for a battle. “You almost shot him. Tsc Tsc Sherlock, who would have thought that sexy mind of your could drive you up the wall like that,” the Woman appeared in front of him, sliding her soft hand down his cheek.

“How low you have sunk brother dearest. Being confused by hallucinations. Can you not see the obvious solution to your problem? You must be a bigger fool than I thought.”

  
“For the love of God Mycroft shut up!” Another shot fired, John retreating a bit again. It was all too much for the detective. His mind, now the hallucinations, God damn him for not taking a bigger dose of the drug, than his mind would be too intoxicated to function. For the way that it was now it was working even faster than usual. Sherlock could simply not catch up to his own mind. John tried to move forward again and Sherlock pointed the gun at him.

“Sherlock give me the gun, we both know you won't shoot me.” John’s voice was so kind, so soft. Sherlock felt like crying; the drugs did this to him. Making him feel all those emotions that he had usually locked away in his mind palace…

  
“You’re right… I could never shoot you. Not you… Everyone, but not you,” Sherlock looked at John’s tired but worried face. Sherlock slowly bend his arm and soon the edge of the gun pressed against his temple.

  
“Sherlock … What are you doing? Sherlock … don’t do this, come on let’s talk. Put the gun down.” John’s voice was soft again, but Sherlock could hear it tremble. John chocked down a whine. It was the same as all those years ago when Sherlock was standing at the edge of the hospital roof.

  
“I’m so sorry John, but I can’t take this anymore. My mind … it’s … it’s killing me, I can’t take it anymore! It’s for the be-“

  
“Don’t you dare say it’s for the best! Don’t you dare do this to me again you selfish prick! Do not leave me behind!” John’s voice cracked at the end and Sherlock could see rage flushing over his face.

  
“You don’t get to do this to me again. I will not go throe hell again because you decided to take the easy way out! We are in this together!” No, no it wasn’t rage that Sherlock saw on John’s face… it was fear.

  
“You don’t understand what’s it like to have a mind like mine. It keeps on raging; never stopping, always looking for something new to chew on or it starts to eat itself! The nightmares that I have off all the terrible things stored in my palace! You don’t know how I hate how the sun shines throe the window in the morning! How images of death flash before my eyes each and every day, just because for one moment I forget to control my mind! How many times has my mind imagined you dead! You think having a mind like mine is a gift? It’s nothing but a bloody curse!” Sherlock feels his finger press against the trigger. His breath becoming deeper and slower.

  
“I had to bury you once! I buried enough friends during the war and then you went and forced me to do it again. I will not ... no, I CAN'T do it a second time!”

  
“You make it sound as if I wanted to do this all those years ago! As if i wanted to hurt you! Abandon you and run! I had to do it otherwise I would have had to bury you!” Tears started to fall down Sherlocks face, his voice trembling just like his whole body. John looked at him with confusion on his eyes. He never really asked Sherlock why he did what he did. Once Sherlock said it was to stop Moriarty and John just accepted it. He never asked of it again and so Sherlock never spoke of it again. Soon Johns expression changed again, realizing what Sherlock meant.

“Moriarty threatened to kill me … that’s why you …“

“Yes it was all for you … I should never have returned after that. You were happy and I destroyed everything by coming back. I’m so sorry John… So sorry!” The tears were now just streaming down Sherlocks face, making it hard for him to see.

“Don’t be sorry. You are the best and wisest men that I have ever met. You are the one I love. I beg you Sherlock … Stop this. Come on! Come back to me. Give me the gun.” John stretched his hand out toward Sherlock, offering him to give him the gun. John was now just a meter away from him, it looked so close, yet felt so far.

“So boring, Sherlock! Just shoot yourself already! You are nothing but a bother to everyone! To Mrs Hudson, to Molly, hell even to Mycroft! And most of all to John. You make his life miserable! You are the one who puts him in danger all the time! How many times did he almost die because he was with you! You were even the reason why his wife was killed! Except it Homes, you and that mind of yours are nothing but a curse to everyone around you! Just go and kill yourself already!” Moriartys voice was ringing in his head again, screaming, screeching at his brain.

“I’m sorry John, I can’t take this anymore.” Sherlock smiled softly at the doctor before he closed his eyes and pulled the trigger. He could hear John scream and Moriarty laugh. A loud bang followed and then … Finally … his mind was at peace.


End file.
